Posts (page 2)
To quote President Gerald R. Ford in 1974, "Our long national nightmare is over." It has nothing to do with Richard M. Nixon this time around; it’s the presidential election…it’s finally over! Just think about it. No more phone calls (at least not from Mike Rodgers), no more junk mail, no more cluttering our TVs and radios with political ads. At least not for a while. Congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama although the election isn’t official until the Electoral College votes. Why do they call it a college anyway? People have already been talking about moving to Canada if he gets elected. They’re not going to physically move there. It’s just a place in their minds they escape to when things get the best of them. I don’t think they’re going to have to close the Canadian border. It’s a lot like that episode of Twilight Zone where life was getting James Daley’s character down and he sought escape in a 1880s town called Willoughby. It was a very peaceful place. For me it’s a place called Northern Canada. * * * Halloween has changed in our neighborhood over the years. Years ago the neighborhood was filled with young kids, including ours; and we knew most, if not all of them. As they grew up and moved out, there was a long period of time when we had very few trick or treaters. As the other neighbors move out, their houses were purchased by a younger crowd with plenty of kids at that trick or treating age. Now we have to learn new names and faces all over again. I’ve put on makeup like this in the past, but nowadays it doesn’t seem to bother the kids that much. I guess they’ve been over-exposed to Freddy Kruger. Had I done it again this year some kid would be sure to say, "Hey look, Mr. Bauer had a face lift!" * * * The rallying cry coming out of the Detroit Lions is, "Believe in Now!" I think I’d rather hear, "Another one Bites the Dust!" That’s the one they used when they were actually beating somebody. Maybe they could use that, "Win one for the Gipper," idea too; but quite honestly, I don’t think we have a George Gipp on the team. I am both entertained and confused by the Lions. They are the only winless team left in the NFL. There’s no other team quite as bad. So where do we go from here? Let’s look into scouting a bit. The last I knew the Lions belong to the same scouting combine (Blesto) as teams who win. The breakdown happens somewhere between getting the information from Blesto and the guys working for the Lions who decide whom to draft. We’ve got to change some personnel there. If you guessed I’m talking about firing somebody, you’re right! The Lions have a long history of drafting flunkies. Years ago a glaring example of that was Chuck Long. He’s that blond-haired quarterback out of Iowa that was going to lead the team to the promised land. After they drafted him they decided he didn’t have any arm strength. Shouldn’t they have known that before they drafted him? Contrary to what his last name suggests, Chuck couldn’t throw long nor did he last long. A few years later they drafted Andre Ware, and he couldn’t complete a pass in his own living room. He’s now working at his true calling…he’s a TV broadcast announcer. There have been a ton of them through the years. We drafted Drew Stanton out of Michigan State with our number two pick, and what has he done? They’re saying that Mike Martz screwed with his passing mechanics so much that Drew can’t throw a spiral anymore. Hell, I can throw a spiral. They won’t play him for fear he’ll embarrass himself and the team. Oh brother. And this year they drafted Gosder Cherilus to play left tackle. Apparently he doesn’t know what he’s doing either because they keep benching him. As for Charles Rodgers…I don’t even want to talk about him. Until the next time . . .
Andy Rooney says you have to have an ego to be a writer. He also said, "It’s egotistical to think anybody else cares what you think and put down on paper about anything." What does Andy know anyway? * * * In my eyes our national news media is a joke. Lately they’ve been after Sarah Palin. Okay, that’s fine. She bought a bunch of clothes with campaign money. I’ll bet that hasn’t been done before. How about Barack Obama? Where does his money come from? He’s raising a record amount of money for his campaign, and nobody looks into it? If you ask the media they’ll probably reply, "That’s okay, we like him." They tore Richard Nixon apart trying to get to the bottom of Watergate. Must be all of that work tuckered them out. I know that not too many years ago the news media did not touch a President. That ended when Richard Nixon was elected. They didn’t like him at all. To have the news media, along with whatever group or groups that are sponsoring Obama with their huge record contributions, try and influence the election that’s supposed to belong to the people — the citizens of this country — there’s something wrong going on. They, the media, don’t care who’s funding Obama’s campaign. It could be Russia; it could be China, or it could be somebody in the Middle East. We do know for sure that he turned down public funding. That’s us. All they know or care about is change; they have to have change. I’m not sure we’re going to like it when it gets here. * * * The more they dig into the latest financial crisis we’re going through, the more it stinks. Turns out our Congress had a hand in it. They helped let the dogs loose. I wonder who paid them to do that. We had a similar situation at Federal-Mogul. The board of directors hired Dick Snell as the new CEO. Even the employees at the lowest level of the company heard that he would either make or break the company. He had that reputation. All the board of directors ever saw was dollar signs. Snell came up with that infamous Big Hairy Audacious Goal to expand the company and make more money. We all know what happened after that. The board of directors all should have been fired, but they weren’t. Instead they came out of it like they were innocent as hell. That’s what’s going on today with this country. There are people who know and can’t do a thing about it. There are also people who know and can do something about it, but they won’t — too many of these $$$ floating around. * * * I didn’t get a chance to watch or tape the Detroit Lions this weekend. They didn’t sell out for the first time since Ford Field became their home. I’m not sure yet why it’s a 72-hour no-broadcast rule if the tickets aren’t all sold by then. I always thought it had something to do with giving the networks time to set up their equipment. That’s probably a naive (and dumb) thought on my part. I have a better plan. Let’s make it a 24-hour rule; and if the game doesn’t sell out by then, the owner of the team is billed for the unsold tickets as punishment for putting a bad product on the field. Then they can broadcast each and every game to those of us who live within 75 miles of Detroit but for whatever reason can’t make the game. The stadium seats 65,000 people for a football game, but it’s a sure bet they can’t seat every Lion fan in the blackout area. And another thing. These stadiums are funded mostly by public money. Isn’t that us — don’t we own the stadium? * * * Have you ever noticed that the first song a musical group has a hit with really doesn’t count? What counts is their second, third, and fourth hit, etc. They’re called one hit wonders, and there have been a lot of them. I’m sure there have been two-hit wonders as well. * * * I’m still confused by the college football poll that selects the Top 25 teams. Less than two weeks ago Michigan State was ranked 20th in the nation. They lost to Ohio State (a very good team) and fell out of the Top 25. Then this past Saturday they beat Michigan (a horrible team with a losing record) and now Michigan State is 21st in the nation. Does this make sense to you? * * * By the way, for those of you who are by now wondering I looked up the word egotistical online; and this is one of the things it says: "An exaggerated sense of self-importance." Way to go Andy. You let the cat out of the bag. Until the next time . . .
I know I’m repeating myself, but I still have to ask the same question again. Who told Ellen Degeneres she could dance? I make those same kinds of moves just getting out of bed in the morning. I don’t call it dancing and neither would you; I call it trying to right the ship. While we’re on the subject of things I’ve said before, I’m still trying to find one good thing that’s happened while George Bush has been President. Even something little. I guess I’ll just keep on wondering. * * * Have you ever noticed that when things go bad in this country, the radio stations start playing Christmas music? Seems like it gets earlier every year. I started hearing it on October 18th, and it isn’t even Halloween yet. It used to be that Thanksgiving ushered in the Christmas Holidays, but not anymore. We're still five weeks away from serving up that ol' turkey. By the time it does get here we’ll have heard every rendition of Silver Bells there is including my version in the shower. I love Christmas, but it doesn’t mean other people see it that way. Some people have bad memories of Christmas; and for whatever reasons, good or bad, they just can’t let go of them. Take my advice; just turn the page and move on. That’s what life is…a bunch of pages we haven’t turned yet. * * * I had an awful week of football. Thankfully the St. Johns Redwings put one in the win column for us, but that’s just one aspirin for a major migraine headache. The Spartans were blown away by Ohio State; the Wolverines were blown away by Penn State. Next year both teams ought to rethink playing any team whose school name ends in State. There’s more than one way to skin a pig. The Detroit Lions lost again. One thing we can say about our Detroit Lions…they didn’t take a step backwards. At 0-6 there’s no such thing as going backwards. I’m still waiting for that phone call asking me to take over as head coach because just as sure as the Lions can’t play football, Rod Marinelli will be fired. The first thing I would do when I take over is to call a private team meeting, no other coaches allowed, and let the guys know that potty training is over with and it’s time to start playing football. They’ll growl at me for saying that, but do you think every football player Vince Lombardi ever coached liked him? I don’t think so, Gram. Some of the things we’ll work on include an offensive line that’s still on its feet after the play is over with. A defensive line that charges the other team’s offensive line like the Devil is after them. A quarterback who’ll get off the cell phone and throw the ball. A running back that can get around the corner. And last but not least, wide receivers who don’t go down in a heap whenever a defender comes near them, and don’t eat greasy finger food the night before the game. * * * Kudos to the City of St. Johns. I always said that Brush Street was one of the worst streets in town. Now that it’s been milled and resurfaced it’s a pure pleasure to drive on it. I’m sure some of the other streets I’m thinking of are on their list too, and I hope they’re higher up on that list and not near the bottom. * * * Remember a time when all you had was two dollars in your pocket and you needed some gas for your car? The gas station attendant was always able to give you exactly that much gas. Today that has become almost impossible. The numbers on the pump go around faster than a slot machine at a casino. I always try to pump an even amount of gas in dollars so I don’t have to think about the change. Today (Tuesday) is the first day I’ve been able to do that, so the falling price of gas is helping. Until the next time . . .
What is it with some of our government officials anyway? Do they go right out after election and have an affair of some sort? They can’t even do that right either. Okay, okay, I’ll give you that JFK did the same thing only nobody reported it. Just wondering. * * * I hate it when they rank the Michigan State Spartan football team in the top twenty-five. They went into last Saturday’s game with Northwestern ranked twenty-three in the nation. On top of that, Northwestern hadn’t lost a game this year. I could see an upset coming. So what happened? The Spartans won, and we all breathed a sigh of relief because the jinx had been put on hold for another week. It doesn’t get any easier because Ohio State comes to East Lansing Saturday to play the Spartans who are now ranked twentieth in the nation. I’ll keep my fingers and toes crossed (that isn’t easy) during the game knowing full well that we’re only one loss away from being dropped from the top twenty-five. * * * There are 435 of them in the House of Representatives, 100 of them in the Senate, 9 on the Supreme Court, and 1 in the White House. Who are these people? They’re the guardians of our Federal government. How are they doing? Take a look around. Things don’t look so good, do they? Just once I wish we could quit sending these same old tired faces back to Congress and really let them know we want a change. This has been a difficult presidential election process for a lot of us. It has lasted too long, cost too much money, and isn’t regulated enough. So who do we choose? Where’s all the campaign money coming from? Are they lying to us even before they get in office? We know they’ll lie to us afterwards. I’m not voting for McCain because he scares the hell out of me. I’m not voting for Obama because he scares the hell out of me too. The reasons vary, but one thing does stand out. I don’t trust them. So how do I handle this? After double-checking to make sure my vote for President won’t void the rest of my ballot, I’ll write my name in. It’s a protest vote, and although it won’t count and not many people will know — I will know. * * * So what’s my take on the show Extreme Makeover Home Edition? I guess I don’t understand it. Yeah I know, the show is going after good ratings; otherwise they won’t survive on TV. But is what they’re doing right? They tore a 140 year old brick house down and replaced it with a multi-gable house with many rooms which is an overkill on the kind of house a mother with three kids actually needed. What ever happened to a nice little ranch house or even a Cape Cod house? As for the increased property taxes, I’ve heard a fund is set up to pay them. I’ve also read that those who got a major makeover to their home are being advised to refinance it to take advantage of the equity they just acquired. This increase in equity helps pay the bills, they are told. And then I read about foreclosures on some of these homes because the owner couldn’t afford the home anymore. If that is true, the show isn’t all that great. I’m still wondering how a family owes $140,000 on a home that was apparently falling down. * * * I’m still waiting for somebody to buy the old Federal-Mogul building. If it was my decision, I’d sell the building for $1 just to get out from under it. They would still have to keep any pollution liabilities. I see a lot of people who are tied to Federal-Mogul one way or another, and of course the conversation might involve a relative of theirs that used to work there. * * * I’m well into the book, Lone Survivor. The author just went through what they called, "Hell Week." They’re in the water, and then they’re out crawling in the sand. They do this several times and in between they do push ‘em outs. They carry boats in, and carry them out, and in between that they paddled them all over North America. Then they’d have to carry logs into the water and back out again. The logs apparently represented the weight of the luggage you’re not allowed to carry on a plane anymore. My Hell Week would have been day one. When somebody comes in at 0300 hours (3:00 a.m. to us civilians) and rousts my butt out of bed — I’m all done right there. Mine would have been the first helmet placed on the ground next to the officer’s door signifying that I quit. I can just see it now — a letter to my next of kin from the Navy saying, "We regret to inform you that we think we broke ol’ bauer." Until the next time . . .
Do Canadian Geese fly north for the winter? I’ve seen them go east, and I’ve seen them go west. I even saw two geese pull away from the flock (or is it a gaggle?) and head somewhat northeast on their own. There must have been a navigational problem with those other guys, I guess. Two geese cannot make a flying V, but they were still flying in a missing goose formation. Anyway, just wondering. * * * Congress passed the Financial Bailout package that was signed by President Bush while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads. So what kind of pork (pet projects) did they put in the bill? Companies provided for include: tax breaks for producers of wooden arrows for children, film producers, bicycle commuters to help offset the cost of parking their bike, motor sports racetrack owners, Rum producers in Puerto Rico, and the Woolen industry. Some of this is a continuation of prior pork barrel benefits. The bailout bill would not have passed on its own without all of these sweeteners. Does that tell you something about our government? I’ve said it before that they will take care of their buddies. I’m just wondering what it would take to get American citizens on their buddy list. A little money under the table maybe? * * * I think we’ve lost the Detroit Lions. Maybe we’d better send out a search and rescue team. I reviewed the tape from Sunday’s game and have decided the Lions were in over their heads — to a man. Instead of yelling at the coach to put them in the game, these guys are yelling to be taken out of the game. I would like one single chance for the rest of the season if they would allow me to be the head coach of that team. What does Bill Ford have to lose anyway? I’d want a million dollars for every win, and I’ll accept nothing for a loss. Believe me, I’d earn it. I think head coaching is all about looks. That’s the looks that, as head coach, you give your players after they’ve done something stupid on the field and they’re trying to sneak off without being seen. Bill Cowher was great at , but don’t hold your breath if you think he’s coming here. I’ve got some pretty ugly looks, and I think I can put them to good use in Detroit. * * * The reader who promised me all the sand I needed to fix my garden has informed me she will not pay for the delivery. It has something to do with the cost of gas. Apparently (and once again) I failed to read the fine print. I think my garden project is on hold until next year. * * * Yet another machine has challenged us. Our dishwasher is on the fritz. Either the water drain is plugged or the water pump is shot. We usually try to fix these things, but I’m pretty sure that if we call for parts, they’ll tell us they are no longer available. Aw Shucks! That’s what I wrote — that’s not what I would have said. * * * We just got our Flu shots. Did you get yours? I like to banter with people, a form of teasing them through conversion. I told the nurse that I pass out whenever I get a shot. She said, "That’s all right; I have you positioned in the middle of the doorway behind you; and your fall will be on the gentle side." She knew I was kidding her. I do have a problem having blood drawn with a needle that looks like a 16 penny nail. If they miss the vein they go fishing for it while the needle is still in my arm. My arm turned black and blue after that episode, so I don’t let them use that arm anymore to draw blood. I’m trying to save it for Golf. Until the next time . . .
Is there a power failure in major league baseball? What happened to all those homeruns? Was it steroids after all? If so I want to see a ton of asterisks in the record book. Roger Maris got one and didn’t deserve it. Just wondering. * * * I must have missed something. I thought John McCain wasn’t going to appear for the presidential debate with Barack Obama until after the government passed a bailout bill for the latest folly on Wall Street. Sure enough, he was at the debate and the bailout bill hadn’t been agreed upon. Is that a flip-flop? Congress has done it again. The do nothing gang hasn’t done anything as of this writing about the bailout of Wall Street. They decided to take some time off and celebrate a Jewish holiday. Congress obviously celebrates every religious holiday that comes down the pike no matter what the crisis is. And I thought Congress was concerned about the separation of church and state, or is that just about Christians? Goes to show you how wrong I can be. Anyway, shouldn’t we expect more out of them? They say they’re looking out for the guy on Main Street. So when did that start? If the truth was known, they’re looking out for their buddies. * * * We went up to Bay City last Sunday for the baptism of our newest granddaughter, Brooke Anne. She was a peach throughout everything. Afterwards we gathered at Ross and Kristy’s house for dinner. While we were waiting, four of us guys sat around the patio table and struck up a conversation. We didn’t talk about world problems; we went for a calmer topic. Because leaves were falling all around us, the subject of leaves came up along with a question. When is the best time to rake leaves? Should we rake them several times to keep up with them, or should we wait until the trees are almost bare and then tackle them? Leaves are Nomads and they change possession all the time. One day they’re in your yard, and the next day your neighbor owns them. Don’t worry — they’ll be back in your yard when the wind comes up again. Meanwhile we bought a mulching lawn mower this year, so we’ll rely on that. Our leaf rakes are on their way to the Smithsonian. * * * I’m reading a book called the Lone Survivor that was loaned to me by Kristy’s father-in-law, Walt. It’s about a Navy Seal and his experiences in Afghanistan. I’m not very far into it, but it’s easy reading and has so far kept my attention and that isn’t easy to do. I took a quick look from front to back to make sure Alan Alda wasn’t in there someplace. * * * My column received a comment wondering how I figured out the exact amounts of stuff I needed for my garden soil. I have to admit it came right off the top of my head. The only proportion that’s probably accurate is the pinch of salt at the end. To do that I’d have to turn my back on the garden and throw it over my shoulder for good luck. I’m a frustrated gardener, and my garden is nothing but Michigan clay. If clay were gold I’d be sitting on a gold mine! I believe all the products I mentioned will help loosen it up and correct acidity but again — how much? She says they have nothing but sand and gravel, and she would gladly give me all the sand I need. * * * Am I the only one who hates those on/off ramps on the highways that seem to occupy the same space? There’s one on W. Saginaw St. in Lansing when we want to take the east exit, and there’s one on our way home from Bay City. We came upon a convoy of cars coming down the off ramp while we were trying to get off the highway and go up the on ramp. What did I do? I checked my mirrors, slowed down, and waited for an opening. The trouble with these things is not who has the right of way. It’s who wants to survive. * * * I love my new GPS unit. I call it my windshield mounted back seat driver. There’s a computer generated female voice that gives me instructions. Even though this hasn’t happened yet I imagined these voice instructions from the unit, Please turn right at the next corner. Sir, you’re going too fast, please slow down. You’ll never be able to turn. Sir, you just missed your turn! Okay, don’t panic, you’ll have to turn left at the next road and go back. Sir, you missed your turn again! Sir, are you a blankity-blank idiot? My response to this would be to turn the volume down and keep on driving while still checking to see what road was coming up next. * * * Our latest adventure with the can/bottle return machines was different this time. We’ve already proven that deposit return receipts are okay if they’re $9.90 or less because they won’t require an FBI background check at the cash register. This time the machines were in one of those moods. One sounded like it was chewing up a used car left in the parking lot overnight. The other two we used had an alarm that went off and told us to put the bottom end in first. Unbeknownst to our machines, we already had. The solution to this? We put them in top end first and the machines loved it — at least for a while. Machines are made to challenge us; and when you win, it’s a good feeling. Until the next time . . .
Is the presidential election over with yet? Just wondering. * * * They’ve finally come out with the fall TV lineup. I looked it over, and I didn’t see many shows that interested me. I’m waiting for them to come out with CSI 50 States. I’m old fashioned, and I kept looking for shows like Mash, Cheers, or Becker and didn’t see them. I guess they’re from a bygone time, but thankfully some channels do broadcast their reruns. Most of the situation comedies depend on canned laughter’and have for years. I guess I don’t get their jokes because I’m not laughing when I try to watch them. Outside of that I find more laughter listening to the radio. Are the writers still on strike? How many years is that going to go on anyway? * * * For all of you sports fans out there I have the news, but keep in mind — I don’t give partial scores. In football the St. Johns Redwings lost to Mason last week, but they’re still having a great season. The Spartans beat the snot out of Notre Dame, but the score didn’t reflect how bad it was. There were no Hail Marys in the game. The Wolverines didn’t lose because they didn’t play (sorry Jean). The Detroit Lions are now 0-3, but by golly they’ve found the solution. All they have to do is find 53 players with some talent who want to play football. As for the coaching staff, it’s like a board game. You can use any number of faces on the head coach playing piece, but the results will still come out the same. It’s Detroit folks. On the golf scene Team U.S.A won the Ryder Cup. That’s a plus, but there’s a minus side to it. I’ve never seen so many straight-in putts in my life, and some of these guys were putting from the parking lot! The only putt I saw that didn’t go in the cup broke off to the right at the hole. That’s probably because of all the traffic around the hole when the players retrieve their balls. It usually packs down the green, and later in the day it makes the cup sit a little bit higher. Thus, a break to the right or left. You ought to see some of the breaks I have to putt through. I always love watching the Ryder Cup, but I found this one boring because of the putting. Can’t some of our local golf courses use a steam roller on their greens like they did at the Valhalla Golf Club? As for the Detroit Tigers, they quit the minute they traded Pudge Rodriquez to the New York Yankees for some no-name relief pitcher. Pudge’s acquisition marked the beginning of the rebuilding process of the Detroit team — he was our leader. To trade him for a relief pitcher, who has been here before and we let him go, just took the heart out of the team. Okay, I hear ya; we’ll wait until next year. * * * My potato farm went bust. I planted 20 hills of potatoes with what I thought were good seed potatoes left over in the basement. They hadn’t sprouted yet but it’s my understanding that all I needed was a piece of potato with a couple of eyes so I cut them in half and plant them. I might as well have been planting light bulbs. The only potato plant that came up was from a potato left in the ground from last year. Even that one struggled to produce one lonely potato. Talk about a potato famine. All I need now to fix my garden is two tons of sand, three tons of cow manure, three bags of lime, three bags of gypsum, sixteen bags of fertilizer, and a pinch of salt. Until the next time . . .
I see a lot of words that have popped up in our vocabulary in recent years, and I thought we needed to take a harder look at them. Hopefully it'll help us understand what's going on in this country. Fleecing Common usage: To shear the fleece from. American usage: To separate a person or persons from their money or possessions. Accounting Common usage: Accounting is the process of identifying, measuring and communicating economic information so a user of the information may make informed economic judgments and decisions based on it. American usage: The art of hiding corporate money so it appears that the company is losing money because they took a 'charge' for downsizing and at the same time giving the CEO and his cronies a bonus. Hoodwink Common usage: To deceive by false appearance. American usage: To attack a country under false pretenses, gain possession of their oil, and at the same time scare the hell out of the rest of the oil producing countries. Foreign policy Common usage: The diplomatic policy of a nation in its interactions with other nations. American usage: Lifting the rest of the world up by dragging the American middle-class down. Speculators Common usage: A person who trades (i.e. derivatives, commodities, bonds, equities or currencies) with a higher-than-average risk, in return for a higher-than-average profit potential. Speculators take large risks, especially with respect to anticipating future price movements, or gambling, in the hopes of making quick, large gains. American usage: The process by which a person or persons can profit greatly from somebody else's misery. Belly-up Common usage: The floating position of a dead fish. To belly-up to the bar. American usage: What's going on with our financial institutions. * * * Wouldn't it be interesting if Wal-Mart and K-Mart had a department solely dedicated to American-made products? Given what I see, it would only take up one small corner of their building. Then I would like to see that department the busiest of any department in their stores. Am I dreaming? Maybe, but it's worth a try. * * * I was very curious about election procedures, so I did what we all do when we're presented something new - we ask questions. Can an American citizen and registered voter vote for themselves as a write-in candidate for president? That's where all the fun comes in. We have to follow the rules and file our "Declaration of Intent" to be a write-in candidate. It's quite a process which is probably why we've steered away from doing it. Otherwise it's my understanding that we can write in our names for President, but they won't count. Because of the American voter's disillusion with the Major Parties’ candidates (I'm one of them) it would be interesting to see elections results some fall day in the future that report: Democratic Candidate……30% Republican Candidate…….30% American Citizens………...60% Wouldn't that shake them up a bit? And believe me, they need it. You might have noticed the percentages don't add up. That's because it accounts for hundreds of thousands (maybe even millions, but who's counting?) of illegal aliens who will eventually be voting because the two major parties are wooing them. We've given them everything else, so voting can't be far behind. I will repeat my solution to the illegal alien problem, and it's not border fences or armed border guards. Just stop their funding. Until the next time . . .
Did anybody hear about that crash in Atlanta, Georgia last weekend? Don’t worry; it was just the Detroit Lions coming back down to earth. After a great preseason we got a taste of something that was pretty ugly. The Lions looked like they were trying to tackle greased pigs for not just one, not just two, but for four quarters. They also played like their shoes were nailed to the turf. Added to that mess was the quarterback yelling at the receiver’s coach which leaves me wondering, who’s in charge anyway. We will put that game behind us and move on to the Green Bay game this coming Sunday. Should I fix turkey or not? * * * Somebody finally wrote a letter to the editor of my daily newspaper the other day and said the paper is screwing up the alphabet. They start out with their A section but the A section can come in two parts. The reason for that is to catch the overflow of news from the first A section that apparently exceeded their six page limit per section. Following that there is the C section which is sports. Then they put the B and D sections which are Local/State and Life sections. C follows A? Now here’s the way I look at it. I have no problems with what they do with the other sections of the paper, but to me the sports page ought to be the D-section or last. That’s so they’ll be able to get those late breaking scores in and not have to bury it someplace in the middle of the paper. I also read the sport section last. I read the front page of each section, and then I go right to the back page. That’s where they put the rest of the story anyway. I suppose it’s backwards, but that’s what works for me. As an ol’ retired toolmaker I tried to imagine how they assemble the physical part of their newspaper. The paper they use comes in big rolls, so there must be a cutter someplace in the building. They have to adjust it every so many years because the paper keeps getting smaller. I picture it being on wheels so that they can move it an inch or two closer to the print rollers whenever they feel the need to cut cost. No doubt the rolls are automatically inked, and they’ve finally got rid of that person with an ink roller in hand. Their job was to keep the type inked without slobbering it around like they do their spaghetti sauce at home. I’m guessing that before the paper goes completely through the print rollers, the cutter cuts it off. That’s when the grabber comes in and accounts for those little puncture marks we see on the bottom of the paper. The grabbers have to take the sheets away from the print rollers and stack them somewhere. They must have a tool that’s also used by politicians called the flip-flopper in there someplace. I can hear the machine running now. Flip-flop, flip- flop, flip-flop. I wonder how long that goes on. Someplace during the flip-flopping noise the paper gets folded and assembled. Bring on the delivery folks! Are you confused? Me too. I’ll work on it. * * * The two major political parties have promised us change. Well by golly they’ve delivered. The Democrat’s candidate for president has a white mother and a black father, but to be politically correct we must call him black. I just refer to him as the Democratic candidate for president. I don’t have a problem with whatever his racial heritage is; I just have a problem with why he popped on the national scene so quickly. On the other hand the Republicans’ presidential candidate has chosen the Governor of Alaska as his vice-presidential running mate, and the Governor happens to be a woman. The first such vice-presidential candidate for the Republican Party. Again, I have no problem with that. As for the national news media bringing up the fact that Governor Palin’s 17 year old daughter is pregnant, don’t 17 year olds get pregnant anymore in this country? So what does any of this mean? Absolutely nothing — so far. Both candidates seem to have put the invasion of this country by Mexico on the back pages. These invaders are being treated better than American citizens. One candidate wants to spend money we don’t have unless we borrow it from the Chinese. The other candidate kind of likes the idea of continuing the tax breaks for the rich. Wait a minute — isn’t he one of them? Until the next time . . .
I think I need some smelling salts! The Detroit Lions went 4-0 in the exhibition season??? Yeah, I know, the Lions started out 6-2 last year only to finish the season with one more win and a whole bunch of losses. This year’s edition of the Lions seems to have more talent. Let’s hope I’m right. I was willing to bet that the players I was impressed with would be cut before the regular season starts, and I was sort of right because some of them were cut and others were signed to the practice squad which is an insurance policy against injuries. * * * Squirrels are prolific planters of certain seeds. They plant walnuts and kernels of corn in our backyard every year. I watched one go to a little pile of corn that Betty put out by the fence and grab a few kernels, and then head a few yards away, dig a hole and plant them. That explains all those walnut trees and corn stalks trying to grow in our yard. We do put our foot down when that happens. "Honey, it’s time to mow the corn stalks again, and cut down those Walnut trees out behind the garage while you’re at it." We don’t mind. I’ve only seen one baby squirrel in my life, and it clung around its mother’s neck like a mink stole while she toted it around. That was quite a sight, and I’m sorry I didn’t get pictures. We haven’t found out yet whether the DNR’s ban on bait piles during this year’s Deer season will end our supply of shelled corn for the squirrels. I think the DNR’s ruling is stupid, but what can we expect out of our government anymore? How are they going to keep the deer from fraternizing when they herd up in the winter, put football helmets on them equipped with a full face mask? I’m sure those brainiacs will figure that one out. Geez. * * * I hadn’t been golfing in about three weeks when I got a call from my ol’ golfing partner, Ron, wanting to know if I wanted to go out Friday. The foursome consisted of Joe Yurek, Al Weber, Ron Horning and me. They wanted to change things up a bit. Al needed help with longer drives, so I paired up with him instead of Ron. I used to hit the long ball once in a while, but nowadays I’ve developed a banana ball. That’s when the ball starts out down the middle of the fairway, then hits that imaginary wall every golfer knows about and takes a sudden turn to the right. The ball either ends up in the rough or even in the next fairway. I was doing my warm up stretches but I forgot to try and touch my toes — damn! When I felt ready to take a swing, I took the driver back and (leave it to me) smacked the 1st hole layout sign. You should have seen all the wide-eyed looks I got from the other members of the foursome. I had taken a page out of Ryne Duren’s notebook. In case you’ve never heard of him he was a relief pitcher for the New York Yankees in the late 1950s and very early 1960s. The unique thing about him was that he threw smoke and wore much needed glasses. On occasion he’d throw the first pitch over the head of everybody who was in the vicinity of home plate. If I was the batter I’d be crying for my mommy. If I was the home plate umpire, I’d retire immediately; and if I was the catcher, I’d just plain laugh. We started play; and I didn’t do too bad except whenever I hit the ball four or five feet from the pin, Ron would hit one two feet from the pin. Then Ron made some very long putts which threw salt in the wounds. The first nine went that way, so Al and I lost. On the second nine Al and I decided to play mind games with Ron. He always claimed that we couldn’t play mind games with him because we had nothing to work with. Well that isn’t true. His game finally came back down to earth, but that’s when Joe took over. He started making the same kind of shots Ron made during the first nine. Al and I lost again. What does a foursome do after a match like that? We went in the clubhouse at Twin Oaks, shared a pitcher of draft beer, and talk about politics. I want a rematch! Until the next time . . .
